thing is i kind of realised that every years ends very sadly/depressingly/unhappily for me. i dont know. has it somehow become a habit or curse that i cannot escape from? maybe its me thats causing it that i just have to make my life as miserable as it can possibly get. my christmas gift from life is a big sad face. thanks.
life can get as unpredictable as any other thing. one moment you're this. another you're that. you fall for the person you least expected and ask yourself why. a person that totally falls way way below your expectations and you question why you have such feelings for them. every thing they do and say mean so much to you that its irritating and burns right through your skin. it cant be happening. it cannot. why should one person have such an impact on another. its just not fair at all.
to you i am but one person. but unaware of how important you are to me. it really starts to burn me. i dont know what to do. time will tell everything. if its meant to be it is. a scar left too deep that i will never heal. time does not heal everything. it only makes it less painful thats all. the real thing that heals all is ironically death. seriously death is not such a bad thing. dying may really solve everything. if lifes really that meaningless and miserable. i guess death seems to be a brighter road.
know what. man as in males have such humongous egos that they cling on to so tightly. it is so irritating yet they just dont realise it. their ego not to appoligise and stuff. when its clearly their fault yet they still stubbonly claim they're right. its like, lower your bloody ego and look at it. then make up your mind. they like say they want perfection. yet they spell perfection wrongly. what a contridictory statement. what a joke. males should really get rid of their bloody ego before it costs them their lives one day.
now i know how important i am to you. i am really tired. i dont know why. i dont know how and i dont care. you'd rather approach him than me. am i really that repulsive? do i seriously have that aura that shuts your bloody mouth and repels you, or everyone for that matter. 'nah, its a joke..its just...' thats what i always hear. just accept it and tell me that i do ok? i admit i do. if it makes everyone feel better. whatever emotion i have other than normal makes me shut up completely and i just walk away. i have an attitude problem. what the heck can anyone possibly do to change me? kill me? ya. i hope so too. the courage to die plus the longing to die makes the perfect combination for death. so thanks for putting me at the tail-end position and making me feel so bloody 'important'. i cant seem to really smile anymore. a movement of the mouth is all i have. no smile. a life is precious. my answer, is that its only precious when someone treasures it, which is most of the time the individual itself. when no one treasures it, its useless. what else is there a need for it then? hence death is a better option. egotistical but logical. self love is the most important key in life. when the key is lost, nothing else matters.
i'm sorry i cant be perfect. but perfection is unattainable. is that your so called maturity? mature to think whats right or wrong? its all relative. when one lacks a purpose, life becomes unclear. when life becomes unclear, everyday repeats it self. one day will be no different from the other. perhaps its ok to one, but its not to me. probaly thats why i see no purpose to life as it is. maybe its the stupidness kicking in, but i find excitement only in adrenaline and alcohol. it kind of perks me up. when i push myself to the limit, then i'd feel the danger and thrill. thats when adrenaline comes in and it sorta takes my mind off everything. maybe i just need to numb my mind. but isnt everyone just doing that. numbing their minds so that they can face life? see the people at work day in day out. they're bunch of robots whose minds are already numb. arent we just seeking to numb our minds? well, most are.
how much i want to get you out of me, how much i want to purge you, i cannot even begin to express. ironc as it may be, i am really sick of the way you treat me, as a second class. you choose him over me so easily and freely that it disgusts me why i even bother to try at all. i hate prejudices and i hate you for practicing it. what have i done for you to treat me as such? i have feelings and am not as easy-going cheerful as i appear. doesnt mean i dont say anything, i dont mind it at all. doesnt mean i smile, i am happy. i keep quiet doesnt mean that im dumb and i dont think. i have had it with people assuming that i am. hence i shall treat people as they treat me. with prejudices and biasedness and unfairly. sorry but there are always collateral damage and people that have done nothing get some damage. i am most of the time a victim and now, who cares, its time i made up for the time i wasted trying to be so perfect. has a smile entailed that i dont care how others treat me? i am not that casual that you can treat me in whatever way you deem fit. its a mistake on my part to decided to put on a smile, joke around and be so cheerful all the time. there needs to be seriousness at times, now, its going to be most of the time. suprisingly, being quiet, i can observe more and think more clearly. i see things that i did not before. then people that really are worth your time appears and those that are not, can be dumped into the bin.
coolness beyond words.
what do i mean to you i am finally starting to know, all these time i thought i knew. you will start to drop from now on. slowly but surely, you will get out of my mind. death seems a brighter road.
